Dear Santh,
I write in my journal now but I direct my thoughts to my two year old son that I have left behind. I doubt in life I will ever be given the chance to tell you why I have left you and your mother to fend for yourselves, but I promise that I did not abandon you. There are those that watch you closely, as I must defend someone else.
I had taken Imogene to the abandoned cabin where the new Queen would not be able to find her. The King paid a midwife well for both her assistance and silence in the coming days. Imogene and I had been living in the cabin for over six months when the time to give birth finally came upon us.
Imogene is such a sweet woman. She had so many plans for her child even if they meant keeping the babe far away from the King and leaving the kingdom entirely. In listening to her, I did not have the heart to tell her the truth. She thought I was there to protect her, but I was only there to do as my king commanded when his child entered the world.
I remember her screams of pain and as I had done for Ane when she gave birth to you, I held her hand and wiped her forehead. The midwife did most of the work and I stood at the side of the bed as Imogene would take moments that she was not in pain to smile at me.
The abandon cabin smelled dirty and of old, moldy wood. It was not a place for a prince or princess to be born in. The bed that Imogene laid on, I had stuffed with straw as it was flat and difficult to lay upon.
"Soon." She would chant the word as if she was encouraging the child. "Come see me, soon." Even though she was in a great deal of pain and there was much blood, she would smile in between the moments of pain. My heart broke as I watched this, because I knew what I would have to do once the child was born.
"Imogene, I need one powerful push." The midwife told her.
As she gave all the power she had left in her body, I heard the baby cry and saw the midwife turn to the pail of water to clean the child up.
"A boy or girl?" Imogene asked, but the midwife would not tell her as she had been ordered not to by the King himself. The silence caused her to look at me, "Varden, a boy or girl?"
I released her hand as the moment of truth was now upon us. I would play a villain in this poor woman's eyes now and forever but these were my orders.
The midwife wrapped the child up in a blanket and handed the babe to me. I still did not know the child's sex, but it was unimportant and I hurried out of the room.
"Varden! Varden!" I heard Imogene scream from the cabin as I exited and moved toward my horse. I looked down at the quiet baby in my arms. The cries had stopped the moment she was wrapped in a blanket though you, my son, cried for nearly a half hour after you were born. The babe stared up at me with beautiful eyes as I placed a sling around my shoulder and under my arm so I could place her inside.
"Varden! My baby!" Imogene cried from the cabin, and I knew the midwife was fighting to keep her in bed.
As gently as I could, I mounted my stead and turned to head away from the kingdom. I would protect this child even if that meant having to abandon you, son. I am truly sorry that I made this decision as I knew it would harm you, but I had little choice. The baby girl as I later discovered is far too innocent to be part of the games the adults in her life want to play. I will protect her until the day comes that she should go home, but I will never forget her mother's cries as I rode away from the cabin.
"My baby! Varden, you bastard! My baby!" I know she didn't understand, but I doubt I would have been able to accept someone taken you from your mother's arms. I hope for her forgiveness someday.
My son,
I remember clearly waking up early in the morning to find a woman beating harshly on Lucius' dorm room door. When he finally opened the door again, I realized that the young woman had spent the night in his room. She was furious at how unceremoniously he had tossed her out in the wee hours of the morning. Of course, she was only half dressed and standing in the center of the Royal Dorms.
"I had a wonderful night. One I will cherish forever so much so that I will give your name homage in the future." Lucius had said to her and she frowned deeply.
I could tell that she had wanted to slap him but was not certain what the consequences would be. I picked up some articles of clothing for her and hurried her to a room where she could finish dressing herself.
I had been quite annoyed over the years by how poorly our future King treated the fairer sex. In fact, the mere notion that he now has a daughter who he would never allow such things to occur to has made me laugh on more than one occasion. Due to that memory, I have named the child, Lenore, after the woman that Lucius tossed out of his room that day. I will force him to keep that promise even if that woman was ungrateful and rude when I tried to assist her.
Lenore and I have had quite the adventure over the last few months. We had to hide away from guards and any one that might work for the Queen. My contacts helped us onto a boat to take us over the dividing sea.
We now live in the north and I have located another abandoned cabin. Poor child, it seems it is her lot in life to live in these filthy, run down homes. Though I do wonder who builds a cabin and simply abandons it.
There is a town nearby that takes over two hours on foot. Initially, I was forced to hurry there everyday to gather more goat milk, but the owner gave me one after he discovered what use the milk had.
I can not risk taking Lenore into town, and therefore I must leave an unattended infant at the cabin. It terrifies me to know that if I am caught and killed that Lenore will be left in those woods to starve. It is nice to know that the kindly farmer and his wife have an idea of a child and might look for her if the worst was to occur.
I have considered leaving a dog with her to protect her, but I fear that without me there the dog might harm Lenore. Now, I understand the constant fear your mother had when you were born, son.
My thoughts are on you and your mother constantly. I wish to send my letters, alas it would only cause harm to myself and my family. I know that my friends are keeping my family safe and I trust them to do so, but as a man I wish I were there to do my duties. I should be teaching my son the ways of the Mondue, and tending to my wonderful wife.
I will never forget when I informed your mother what was occurring, and before I could even tell her my plans, she was demanding that I save that poor baby. When I was able to explain what would occur if I did so, she began to pack for me. Your mother is a strong woman, stronger than any other, but more importantly she is selfless. Giving up her husband for a child she didn't know because she knew that Lucius is an important friend to me.
Winter will be coming soon and I must find ways to fortify this cabin to keep Lenore warm. I wish your mother could see this child. She never cries and sleeps through the night. It is almost as if she knows she is in hiding from the world. Your mother will never believe me when I tell her this, and you cried constantly. You were very demanding and caused her countless sleepless nights.
I can not help but compare you two as you are the only child that I raised, until now. At the very least, I am comforted by a child who seems very much worth my sacrifice. I do hope this proves true in the future as well.
Son,
It has been three years since I last saw your face. I miss you and your mother with every passing day, especially when the worst happens. I thought we were finally safe that the old abandon cabin would be all that Lenore would need to protect herself, but I was wrong.
Those kindly farmers sent a man to our location for a few coins, and I was forced to hide Lenore. She is only three, but I have taught her how to escape and how to hide. I have taught her who to avoid, and who to trust. I fear that living her younger years this way will make her weary of strangers, though I suppose if Lucius and Aletta do not come to an agreement then her attitude will be perfect for her.
The assassin came during the night, but I felt something was wrong. The goats were crying when their usual state is rather quiet and calm. I was making somewhat of a living selling their milk and meat, but now all that is gone.
Lenore had to be hidden under the floor boards, and she knew if no one said the secret word that she must never come out. I have informed her of orphanages and we have rehearsed stories for her to tell when she arrives. I know it is a lot for a three year old to learn and understand, but that is all I can do for her if I were to die protecting her.
I do not understand why after three years without any trouble caused that Aletta continues to act in this manner. We have done nothing to harm her or the child she was carrying. I am so far out of the world I do not even know whether my friend has a son or another daughter. A second daughter would make more sense of this as Lenore might have as much claim as her child would, but a son would leave Lenore without any rights. Therefore, I assume that it is a daughter as it is best assume the worse. I must also consider that Aletta herself does not know whether this child is male or female unless she convinced the midwife to betray the King.
It has been a week since that fateful night, and I managed to end the assassin's life though my arm was injured in the attack. My small finger on my right hand is infected and I fear that I will need to remove its sickness soon. We are on a ship heading east and there is no one to assist me with my wounds. I do have a knife and access to the stove in the kitchen. I keep having hopes that the finger will return to normal, but if I wait too long I shall be the reason for my own life's end.
The slash on my upper arm was stitched together and is not infected in the least, which I find harder and harder to believe whenever I look down at my blackening finger.
Lenore is too young to understand exactly what is happening to me and to her. She tells me that I am sick and should sleep as I have told her in the past. She is confused as to why we left home and left the goats that she adored, but she doesn't ask any questions. She never asks many questions nor does she talk much. Whenever I look at her I see a small child with thoughts far too great for her age, though she never shares those thoughts with me. Always her mind is at work as if she is trying to piece together the world without any assistance from anyone. She would have been a great Mondue.
She calls me father now as well. I used to only allow that to be when we were in public, but I gave up as I could see that it was confusing her. I told myself that we wouldn't get too attached, but that point is moot after this long.
I informed your mother that our marriage would end if I did not return in ten years. I didn't want her to spend her life waiting for me to return to her. It does not seem like that long of a time any more. I only have seven years left before my family is gone forever, but I will not abandon my post.
Lenore needs a new, safe home and I am the only protector that she has. We only have each other in these moments. I wish I could have brought you and your mother, and allowed Lenore to have a real family, but I could not place you in danger. You and your mother were safer with Pymus as your protector as he would never allow Aletta to move against you, though he knew he could not be strong enough to protect Lenore.
I wish there had been another way. I wish Aletta wasn't such a cold woman. Wishing has yet to solve any of my issues, and therefore I must continue to fight. Lenore is innocent, and doesn't deserve this. I know my wife and son are innocent too, but I have made a choice. Son, you may loathe me for it in the future, but I have done this to us all without hesitation.
My dearest boy,
Working as a hand on this farm was difficult initially. I am a soldier, a warrior, however the owners have been nothing but patient as I learned and even cared for Lenore. We have moved so far East that I feel comfortable with Lenore in the open. I couldn't explain to my employers why I was hiding Lenore as much as they are good people, the rewards for Lenore might prove too great for them. Though, I do not know if there is one or if the issue has been resolved.
I feared my contact with Lucius' network was the reason for the last assassin. I always felt that someone was using it and that information was not being given to just the King. Even if the men inside of it were meant to be shady they were not loyal. That is something a loyal man can know just by looking at another man.
I have been going out of my way to ensure that my journal remains hidden. Moving its placement daily as now that we do not live alone in the woods, I must remember that this book holds many truths that should never be revealed. I should burn it. I tell myself that everyday that this journal will be my downfall, but it is the only way that I feel I can speak to my son. Even if I am never able to send you these letters.
Lenore turned five years old today though I have lied to her about her real birthday. It is best that she believes she was born on another date so as to distance herself with the lost bastard child of Ronea.
Intelligent and brave as if she knows she was born to be a queen. She is only five years old and the other children her age on the farm are not her friends. She prefers the older children, though they do not want a small child following them about.
This gives her a great deal of time to be alone with her books. Every week when I go into town, I buy her a couple new books. Most of them are books that I do not even understand, but she swears to me that she comprehends the knowledge within the pages. It is strange as neither her mother nor father were this intelligent. They were smart as far as men and women go, but there is something about her that worries me.
She is still a rather silent person. Even now as I sit on my bed with the fire roaring nearby, she is laying on her own across the room from me. I can see her lips moving as she reads, but she never speaks the words out loud. She never talks to others about the knowledge she has learned from them, and she is always thinking. I still do not know what she thinks about, but I have an eery feeling whenever I find her sitting alone. She stares at a wall and just thinks about whatever is on her mind.
When I have asked her what she thinks about, she shrugs her shoulders and usually gives me no reply, but on rare occasion she answers, "Everything."
I decided she needed a hobby, therefore I crafted a bow and arrow for her. Anything to stop her from staring at walls, but she has mastered her little bow rather quickly. The cats in the area no longer work for their birds or lizards as Lenore has become their master hunter. She gives her prey over to them and then tells me about her hunting experience once my work is done.
I have been thinking of ways to call upon you and your mother to bring you here so that we can have a life together. Your mother always wanted a second child, a daughter mostly, and I wanted to give her one. However, any movement on your mother's part might spark Queen Aletta's interest. I would put Lenore in danger for my own selfishness as much as I wish to make her my true daughter. If you and your mother were here, this would be a wonderful family, but as it stands now, it's just an unwanted child and her lonely protector. I will not abandon her even when the pain in my heart grows unbearable. I swore an oath to the King and to this Princess as well, and I will never break it.
Santh, my son,
I sit near a campfire within a two days ride from home... from where you and your mother are sleeping now. Eight years I spent at Apisarn and it felt as if days had passed quickly, but being away from my family for the last six years had felt like an endless nightmare.
I dared to make myself known to my contacts a few months ago, and was informed by several trustworthy sources that Queen Aletta's wrath had been contained. I am not familiar with many of the details but with her son at this age and appearing in good health, she claims to no longer hold a grudge against Lenore and her mother.
Though I have learned that Lenore's mother married Giuseppe Vinson. The Queen arranged her into this marriage not long after I had left with Lenore, but my understanding is that Giuseppe Vinson preferred not to accept Lenore as his child and therefore Lenore was still seen as a threat. Only recently has the head of the Vinson clan changed his mind. For reasons, I do not know.
I fear for Lenore, more so now than I ever did before. When I approached the gates of the castle, Imogene was there to greet me with guards. She said nothing to say to me, and rightfully so, after all I had kidnapped her child for the past six years. Before I could introduce her to her daughter, Imogene yanked the little girl's arm and began to walk away with guards in tow.
I could hear the cruel words she spoke to Lenore. "That man is an evil man. He held you captive for years." Her words slowly vanished and I was left alone at the gates. They had made it clear enough that I was not welcomed inside.
The stories that Imogene must be telling Lenore right now are frightening to me. I raised that little girl to protect her from the Queen. Imogene must understand that in some manner, though I suppose she would rather I had taken her with me.
I worry that Imogene will fill her head with lies, and wonder if she will allow Lenore to keep the name I have bequeathed to her. There is nothing more that I can do for Lenore. She has become a Vinson and therefore no longer part of the Cromwell bloodline. She is safe from the Queen as was my duty, though I believe she should have been protected from the Vinsons as well. I do hope the anger and bitterness in Imogene's eyes was because of me and not because of the family she married into. I feel terrible that despite all my concern for Lenore, I can barely spend more than a few moments thinking about her due to my excitement of seeing you and your mother again.
Of course, that brings worries all it's own. You are eight years old now, and I have not seen you since you were two years old. Will you have anger towards me? Will you loathe me? I wonder if your mother will still love me after all this time. We were not married long before I had to disappear. Did she hold to our agreement and not attempt to end our marriage? Is she still waiting for me? Does she still love me?
I suppose those answers will be there for me in two days when I arrive. Pymus should have taken care of my family, and he promised that he would ensure that you wanted for nothing. Though, he knew that your mother would never allow herself to take his money, so he has remained a silent protector.
Soon, I will see my son and wife again, this is my utmost priority, but some of my excitement is the idea of seeing my friends again as well. I wonder how Pymus has fared. He had two sons before I left, I believe Remus was your age. Are you friends? I wonder.
My elation, fear, and curiosity refuse me any sleep, and more than likely I will have none until you and your mother are in my arms once more.
The crickets try to sing me to sleep, but it is no use. They will make themselves hoarse. I worry a great deal as I made my way back to Ronea. I worried if my contacts were compromised and I was leading Lenore to her death, and I worried that this wasn't a trap and all my fears of my family would be true.
I will know in two more days. Just two more and it will all come to an end, for better or for worse.
Dear boy,
I do not know whether to fear your reaction to my sudden reappearance in your life or praise my wife for the way that she has handled these six years of separation.
I found your mother in a small house just outside of town. She was cooking the late meal for just you and herself, and I was glad to know that she hadn't received word of my arrival home. I could see her through the window as she continually bumped against the chair behind her as the table was too large for the room.
Before I knocked, I looked for signs that another man might live there, even if she was only cooking enough for two. I decided that he might work late hours. I found nothing that would give me that illusion, and as I was about to make my way over to the door that lead into the kitchen, I turned and found an eight year old boy watching me.
He was quite tall and initially I believed him to be older than his true age. I was terrified to have been caught by someone doing something that most would frown upon without knowing that I was the husband. "Good day."
"Good day." He replied, "Why are you looking in my mother's windows?"
Those words made me smile, "Are you Santh, then?"
The young boy who seemed to have taken over as his mother's protector crossed his arms. "And you are?"
"Varden Aguilar." I still do not know why I didn't tell you that I was your father immediately. I believe it was because I was afraid to make such a bold statement after all this time, and I wanted to see if you knew my name.
The harshness on your face vanished and you turned to run for the door. Opening it you screamed for your mother. "He says he is father!" That was the only part of your words I could understand.
Ane was quick to step out on the dirty pathway and looked at me. I could see shock in her eyes, tears, anger, and relief. She slowly made her way to stand before me and smiled as she placed her hand on my cheek. "I can scarcely believe this moment, Varden."
I hugged her as tightly as I could as you watched without a word spoken. After a moment, we released each other and your mother turned to you. "Santh, this is your father. He has come home to us."
I expected you to be weary of me but you hugged me quickly, and while your mother finished the meal, we played in the small yard. You never asked me where I had been and three weeks later, there are still no questions. No that is not true, your only question to me had been. "Did you do well, father?"
I grew curious as to why you weren't full of questions and I asked your mother. She informed me that while I was gone, many of the other children would taunt you for the lack of a father. They would claim your mother was never married and that you were a bastard child. This made you angry and bitter towards me.
Ane had informed him that this was not the case. That though she didn't know where I had gone or what I was doing that I was protecting something important to the realm. That I might never come back, but that I had not abandoned you willingly however my task was vital to Ronea. She informed you that you must always hope that your father does well, so I may come home to you.
When you are older, I will tell you all the stories I have made in the past six years. However, I think your mother's words are right at this age. Finally, I am home with my family and none of my fears were true.
My son is not angry with me and my wife still loves me. I am at peace for the first time in six years, and I do hope it remains this way for the rest of our lives.
If ever there was anything I could teach you, son, it's not to let someone go when you know you are leaving them in dire circumstances that are beyond their own control. The memory of their sadness and knowing that they suffer will forever haunt your mind and heart.
Two years have passed since I brought Lenore home. The Queen allows her to visit for half the year and the other half she spends in the Vinson's estate. I hear that she lives in the stable with the horses and the stable boys, and as terrible as that is, I can not decided if her living at the castle is any better.
For a woman that didn't wish Lenore to live at all, it is odd to see her dress Lenore for balls and to show her off only to send her back to the servant's quarters when she is through. Of course, I do not think it is the Queen that wishes her here at all. I often catch glimpses of the King watching her as she plays, and his mother often speaks to the girl.
I have been informed by her Grace, the previous Queen, that she had spoken with Queen Aletta. She informed her that the people still loved her and that if she wished she could have the Queen removed permanently and though she would be dead, the country would still have it's Prince. Apparently, that conversation scared the Queen enough to end this hunt.
It is strange though. Sometimes, I see Queen Aletta brushing Lenore's hair and dressing her, and she hums a tune that I just know her mother must have hummed to her. It seems as if Queen Aletta is fighting against caring for this little girl, as if she doesn't want to love her though she already does.
I can do nothing for Lenore. She is confused when she sees me and does not understand why I do not speak to her any longer. She doesn't cry however or beg me to stay. She just watches me as I pretend not to see her, and then a blank look falls over her face. I know that look, it means she is processing this world all on her own.
She is not my daughter. She is not my daughter. Every time I come to the castle this is the chant I tell myself. I am unable to believe it. She was my daughter for six years of her life. I was there when she was born, when she had her first tooth, when she lost her first tooth, and the first time she walked. I patched up her scratched knee and then healed it with a kiss. There were so many things that I missed of you, my son, that I was able to have with her.
The time has come. I will not appear at the castle unless summoned for an urgent matter by the King himself. I need to spend as much time with my family as I can in order to prepare myself. The country is in civil war as the Romanus family attempts to over throw my king. Here in the capital there is peace, but I have been outside these walls and there is death and blood at every turn.
We are winning however. Romanus destroyed our spy network and had been using it for years. Queen Aletta informed us of the truth nearly a year ago that she had used Romanus to find Lenore through my letters.
Romanus' followers have been fighting for two years now, it seems it started the moment that I returned with Lenore in arms. It was only in the last year that this fell into an all out war. He calls Lucius weak and demands that the Cromwell family reign end with him.
I am curious as to why this occurred around Lenore's return, though it may just be mere coincidence or it could be that there is another being in the country that has claim to the throne. Romanus is a family man. I have heard that he cares for his wife and daughter a great deal. In fact, Xyles has offered on several occasions the idea that killing them would end his attacks.
I have refused to allow this to happen. An innocent woman and child should not be murdered for our own gain. We must go directly after him. We must end this through the one that started this.
His numbers grow but their days are numbered.
There is a pain in my heart that tells me that I have only just returned to my family and they will lose me again under more permanent circumstances. This is why I must concentrate on you and your mother now, and ignore the child that is not mine. You two need to know how much I adore you, in case the worst were to happen.
No more than a couple weeks after I decided that I would not return to the castle for any reason other than urgent matters; an urgent matter arrived. I rode to the capital within a few days and found my way to the King's study. He was sitting behind his desk and looked rather tired. This war was slowly destroying him.
I never said these words to my king and I never will, but of all the people that I thought would find some form of happiness I always thought it would be Lucius. He had been arrogant and cruel towards women and perhaps that is why he was given a wife such as the one he has now. I know that the kings of old would have slain their wives, but Lucius could never be the kind of man to do such a thing to his son's mother. Though, sometimes, I wonder what would happen if the two set aside their anger and hate for each other. There are times when I can see the Queen staring proudly at her husband over a speech he gave, or the glances that Lucius will give her during a ball when she is dressed elegantly.
Had these two met in different circumstances, I imagine they could have easily gotten along. However, Lucius only sees the woman that wanted to kill his daughter when he looks at her, and I do not know what Queen Aletta sees when she looks at him as I do not speak to her often.
My poor friends. Pymus' wife abandoned him and his children, and Lucius can barely stand to look at his wife without being reminded of the past. I suppose at that moment that I was lucky to have your mother. I remember these thoughts clearly, son. I was thinking them still through my conversation with the King, and thinking them directly when they ended.
"Varden, sit." Lucius commanded and pointed to the chair in front of his desk. The study smelt of the fire burning and the incense that he had burning on the mantle. The room was dark except for the few candles and the fireplace, therefore shadows were being cast in every direction as the flames flickered.
I sat down and waited for Lucius to finish writing a letter. Folding my hands, I stared at my now serious friend. He used to laugh and make merry, but he always looks one step away from giving the order to slaughter the entire country. In truth, if Romanus has his way much more that may be the only option. Of course, Lucius will just rule ashes then.
"I have spoken with the other nobility. They agreed that you have played a great role in this rebellion thus far, and that after the war is over we will discuss in further details, the lands and title that they wish to bestow upon you." Lucius said this as if he wanted to get everything out as quickly as possible, not because he was nervous but because he was too busy for pleasantries anymore.
"I am pleased to hear this, but couldn't this have been sent in a letter?"
He shook his head, "I must assume that anything written down and not being carried throughout the castle by my most trusted servants will be compromised. Now, listen well, I believe the nobles think you are our best possible solution to Romanus' revolt. I need you to prove this in order to give me the arguing ability. There are many who would not want you in our ranks, understood?"
I nodded. "I understand."
"Good, now. Once your family is given title and lands, I believe it would be prudent to engage Santh and Lenore. It will ensure your family's footings in the Royal House since Lenore will be a member of your family. Do you agree?"
I did not know how to tell my friend that getting my daughter back would be the greatest of all the gifts he just gave me, but I merely nodded. I was far too excited to speak.
A knock came to the door and Lucius yelled at him to come in. The boy entered with a letter and handed it to the King before leaving quickly. Opening the letter, Lucius read it and then looked up at me with what I thought was fear in his eyes.
"Varden..." His voice shook. "Ane has died."
Santh, my son, I have made a decision that I fear only you will have to live to deal with it's damages. Two years ago, I discovered that your mother had died while I was away at the castle. Since then I have done everything within my power to bring this war to an end. That included spending not nearly enough time with you, boy.
You are already twelve years old and I have missed half of your life already, and I have made a decision that may mean I will miss the rest of it as well. I lied to you. Your mother did not become ill and suddenly die. Pymus had caught wind of Romanus activities within the city walls, and warned her. Instead, of going with you to the safety of your Aunt's home, she stayed. A Romanus assassin took her life in order to harm me.
I suppose if you are reading this then my latest decision has brought my finale. I have worked relentlessly to put an end to Romanus and his rebellion. I am the general of the King's army and I will gain the title and lands for you. I may not be able to give them to your mother, but the world will be damned if I can not give you more than I had as a child.
The last battle is upon us. Romanus is all but a prisoner in his own fortress. Tomorrow, I will enter the castle and bring justice to him. It will also be vengeance for your mother, whom I did not get to hold nearly long enough.
Lucius' voice still rings in my ears. "Varden, I forbid you to do this. We have all but won the war. This will be the last battle and that traitor will die. Do not throw away your life for this. You are a general, you do not fight on the front lines. What of your son?"
He was yelling at me and tried to sound angry, but his voice shook and I knew my friend was concerned for me. Over and over he reminded me of you, but I have to end Romanus' life myself. It has to be me, and it can not be as simple as beheading him after he was captured. I will not torture him and I will not take his surrender. He will fight me, and he will die.
I do not know if I will return to you, son. These may be the last words that I ever write in this journal. I have written so many over the years. Your mother used to tease me about writing down so many of the important days of my life, but eventually she read passages that involved her. She, of course, loved being able to see my thoughts of her. I hope that I will write many more entries and you will not read these journals until you are a grown man and can understand my decisions... my haste in my youth... and my poor judgment now.
Damn, Lucius. He kept telling me that I would leave my son an orphan, and that was the greatest truth he had ever spoken. Even though he forbid me, I told him that this was something I must do. I hope you understand. A man must fight for the woman that he loves, even if that woman is long since buried. I can not allow Romanus to escape or surrender. His life was forfeit the moment he took your mother from you, and my wife from me.
Lucius seemed to understand though he still demanded that I not go. He didn't try to stop me, however. He could have ordered me to be held in a cell but he just let me walk away. I like to think that he understood as well, but I believe my friend was allowing me to make the wrong decision because that's what friendship is at times. Allowing your friends to fall and then offering them a hand to get back up.
I know he will take care of you if I do not survive tomorrow's battle, as will Pymus. Be a good boy, Santh. Be respectful to my friends, as they love you as if you are their own son, just as I love their children. Even Aletta's spoiled little prince, Lesatan. Sometimes, when no one is looking he comforts his sister when his mother has been too harsh. I think there is a good child in there, but his mother tries to hide what she considers weakness in him from the world.
I am rambling now, probably because I am terrified of what will come tomorrow. I have a gut instinct that I will not outlive the day, and it worries me because I worry for you. Damn, I am a selfish man, aren't I, boy? I am sorry, but I have to be the one to end this man. I'm sorry, Santh. I love you with all my heart. Grow up to be a good man. Be better than me. Don't let pride or anger stand in your way of happiness. I hope I get to hold you again.
Santh sat under the canopy in his bed with his father's journal in his lap. It was the first time that he had learned of his mother's death, at least how she had truly died. Somehow, it did not surprise him as if he had always known something more than a sickness had taken his mother away from him.
Looking into the dirt court, he watched as the others completed their plans for the building of the dorms tomorrow. He smiled to himself as a small weight was lifted from his heart. He was glad to have read all of his father's journals. Lenore had stopped bringing them to him, and he had been forced to retrieve the last one from Pymus, himself.
Ophelia would be heartbroken to learn that his mother was killed by her father as well, so he decided that she would not be told. Lenore's father had nothing to do with his father's death. He had been angry at the king for so long that he forgot that he had never learned the truth behind the battle. He had not allowed himself to have the one thing he truly wanted for hatred within him was too strong.
As Santh was about to close the journal and stand up, he noticed there was more writing on the next page. He opened it to find the bold handwriting was written with purpose and was not his father's, there was another page as well with a third handwriting that was smooth and delicate.
The bold writing was from King Lucius.
I will never forgive you for dying, Varden. You were the only person that I truly trusted, and now I have no one. I will keep watch over your son, but the title and lands I wanted to bestow upon him were denied by his aunt. I will offer them to him when he is older and can understand. I miss my friend. I miss knowing that even if you aren't here that you are out there, and my trusted friend will one day return. I have so few people in my life, and none are trustworthy. You didn't just take a father away from your son, but you left a king without a friend in the world. You are a selfish man just as you have said. Goodbye, my friend.
Santh took a deep breath after reading that, and then began to read the delicate handwriting that he knew to be Pymus'.
So, you two knew all along that I was the Fox, did you? You dirty bastards! Ah, I guess I can not be angry at a dead man. You are a very bad man, Varden. Now that Santh has moved to another city, I must once again pack up the Merchant's Guild head quarters so that I can watch over him. This is the third damn time that I have moved for you, but I suppose the first time was my choice so I could be near at least one friend. However, the last two were to watch your son while you are gone!
You are gone. It almost feels like you will come back someday, but you won't, will you? I watched them burn your body on the pyre. I watched you disappear into smoke and ash. I couldn't walk away until it was completed.
I'll watch Santh, don't you worry none about him. Remus is his age, and I am certain they will get along rather well... though they don't know it yet. The two are somewhat like oil and vinegar, but mixed properly the combination can be delicious.
Ah, you bastard. How could you let Romanus have such a fatal blow. You died before he did, but know that your attacks had ended his life long before he was taken into custody. Lucius finished him without any assistance from the guards. You would have been very proud, Varden.
I am angry with you as well, but I understand though I wish you would have been smarter about the way that you attacked the fortress. It was complete chaos all created so you could get near Romanus, and for that I will never forgive you. I love you, my friend, but I am going to hate you for some time. I hope you do not mind.
Another deep exhale and Santh fought back the tears in his eyes. Pymus had always been watching over him, and Lucius was not the monster he had thought he was. He felt like an idiot, but an idiot with a lightened heart. His eyes moved back over to Lenore who was speaking to Remus about the building effort and he grinned to himself.
"What are you smiling about?" Ophelia smiled as she walked by him without giving him time for an answer.
"You'll know soon enough." He mumbled to himself before standing up and heading toward the stream to wash his face.
I write in my journal now but I direct my thoughts to my two year old son that I have left behind. I doubt in life I will ever be given the chance to tell you why I have left you and your mother to fend for yourselves, but I promise that I did not abandon you. There are those that watch you closely, as I must defend someone else.
I had taken Imogene to the abandoned cabin where the new Queen would not be able to find her. The King paid a midwife well for both her assistance and silence in the coming days. Imogene and I had been living in the cabin for over six months when the time to give birth finally came upon us.
Imogene is such a sweet woman. She had so many plans for her child even if they meant keeping the babe far away from the King and leaving the kingdom entirely. In listening to her, I did not have the heart to tell her the truth. She thought I was there to protect her, but I was only there to do as my king commanded when his child entered the world.
I remember her screams of pain and as I had done for Ane when she gave birth to you, I held her hand and wiped her forehead. The midwife did most of the work and I stood at the side of the bed as Imogene would take moments that she was not in pain to smile at me.
The abandon cabin smelled dirty and of old, moldy wood. It was not a place for a prince or princess to be born in. The bed that Imogene laid on, I had stuffed with straw as it was flat and difficult to lay upon.
"Soon." She would chant the word as if she was encouraging the child. "Come see me, soon." Even though she was in a great deal of pain and there was much blood, she would smile in between the moments of pain. My heart broke as I watched this, because I knew what I would have to do once the child was born.
"Imogene, I need one powerful push." The midwife told her.
As she gave all the power she had left in her body, I heard the baby cry and saw the midwife turn to the pail of water to clean the child up.
"A boy or girl?" Imogene asked, but the midwife would not tell her as she had been ordered not to by the King himself. The silence caused her to look at me, "Varden, a boy or girl?"
I released her hand as the moment of truth was now upon us. I would play a villain in this poor woman's eyes now and forever but these were my orders.
The midwife wrapped the child up in a blanket and handed the babe to me. I still did not know the child's sex, but it was unimportant and I hurried out of the room.
"Varden! Varden!" I heard Imogene scream from the cabin as I exited and moved toward my horse. I looked down at the quiet baby in my arms. The cries had stopped the moment she was wrapped in a blanket though you, my son, cried for nearly a half hour after you were born. The babe stared up at me with beautiful eyes as I placed a sling around my shoulder and under my arm so I could place her inside.
"Varden! My baby!" Imogene cried from the cabin, and I knew the midwife was fighting to keep her in bed.
As gently as I could, I mounted my stead and turned to head away from the kingdom. I would protect this child even if that meant having to abandon you, son. I am truly sorry that I made this decision as I knew it would harm you, but I had little choice. The baby girl as I later discovered is far too innocent to be part of the games the adults in her life want to play. I will protect her until the day comes that she should go home, but I will never forget her mother's cries as I rode away from the cabin.
"My baby! Varden, you bastard! My baby!" I know she didn't understand, but I doubt I would have been able to accept someone taken you from your mother's arms. I hope for her forgiveness someday.
---***---
My son,
I remember clearly waking up early in the morning to find a woman beating harshly on Lucius' dorm room door. When he finally opened the door again, I realized that the young woman had spent the night in his room. She was furious at how unceremoniously he had tossed her out in the wee hours of the morning. Of course, she was only half dressed and standing in the center of the Royal Dorms.
"I had a wonderful night. One I will cherish forever so much so that I will give your name homage in the future." Lucius had said to her and she frowned deeply.
I could tell that she had wanted to slap him but was not certain what the consequences would be. I picked up some articles of clothing for her and hurried her to a room where she could finish dressing herself.
I had been quite annoyed over the years by how poorly our future King treated the fairer sex. In fact, the mere notion that he now has a daughter who he would never allow such things to occur to has made me laugh on more than one occasion. Due to that memory, I have named the child, Lenore, after the woman that Lucius tossed out of his room that day. I will force him to keep that promise even if that woman was ungrateful and rude when I tried to assist her.
Lenore and I have had quite the adventure over the last few months. We had to hide away from guards and any one that might work for the Queen. My contacts helped us onto a boat to take us over the dividing sea.
We now live in the north and I have located another abandoned cabin. Poor child, it seems it is her lot in life to live in these filthy, run down homes. Though I do wonder who builds a cabin and simply abandons it.
There is a town nearby that takes over two hours on foot. Initially, I was forced to hurry there everyday to gather more goat milk, but the owner gave me one after he discovered what use the milk had.
I can not risk taking Lenore into town, and therefore I must leave an unattended infant at the cabin. It terrifies me to know that if I am caught and killed that Lenore will be left in those woods to starve. It is nice to know that the kindly farmer and his wife have an idea of a child and might look for her if the worst was to occur.
I have considered leaving a dog with her to protect her, but I fear that without me there the dog might harm Lenore. Now, I understand the constant fear your mother had when you were born, son.
My thoughts are on you and your mother constantly. I wish to send my letters, alas it would only cause harm to myself and my family. I know that my friends are keeping my family safe and I trust them to do so, but as a man I wish I were there to do my duties. I should be teaching my son the ways of the Mondue, and tending to my wonderful wife.
I will never forget when I informed your mother what was occurring, and before I could even tell her my plans, she was demanding that I save that poor baby. When I was able to explain what would occur if I did so, she began to pack for me. Your mother is a strong woman, stronger than any other, but more importantly she is selfless. Giving up her husband for a child she didn't know because she knew that Lucius is an important friend to me.
Winter will be coming soon and I must find ways to fortify this cabin to keep Lenore warm. I wish your mother could see this child. She never cries and sleeps through the night. It is almost as if she knows she is in hiding from the world. Your mother will never believe me when I tell her this, and you cried constantly. You were very demanding and caused her countless sleepless nights.
I can not help but compare you two as you are the only child that I raised, until now. At the very least, I am comforted by a child who seems very much worth my sacrifice. I do hope this proves true in the future as well.
---***---
Son,
It has been three years since I last saw your face. I miss you and your mother with every passing day, especially when the worst happens. I thought we were finally safe that the old abandon cabin would be all that Lenore would need to protect herself, but I was wrong.
Those kindly farmers sent a man to our location for a few coins, and I was forced to hide Lenore. She is only three, but I have taught her how to escape and how to hide. I have taught her who to avoid, and who to trust. I fear that living her younger years this way will make her weary of strangers, though I suppose if Lucius and Aletta do not come to an agreement then her attitude will be perfect for her.
The assassin came during the night, but I felt something was wrong. The goats were crying when their usual state is rather quiet and calm. I was making somewhat of a living selling their milk and meat, but now all that is gone.
Lenore had to be hidden under the floor boards, and she knew if no one said the secret word that she must never come out. I have informed her of orphanages and we have rehearsed stories for her to tell when she arrives. I know it is a lot for a three year old to learn and understand, but that is all I can do for her if I were to die protecting her.
I do not understand why after three years without any trouble caused that Aletta continues to act in this manner. We have done nothing to harm her or the child she was carrying. I am so far out of the world I do not even know whether my friend has a son or another daughter. A second daughter would make more sense of this as Lenore might have as much claim as her child would, but a son would leave Lenore without any rights. Therefore, I assume that it is a daughter as it is best assume the worse. I must also consider that Aletta herself does not know whether this child is male or female unless she convinced the midwife to betray the King.
It has been a week since that fateful night, and I managed to end the assassin's life though my arm was injured in the attack. My small finger on my right hand is infected and I fear that I will need to remove its sickness soon. We are on a ship heading east and there is no one to assist me with my wounds. I do have a knife and access to the stove in the kitchen. I keep having hopes that the finger will return to normal, but if I wait too long I shall be the reason for my own life's end.
The slash on my upper arm was stitched together and is not infected in the least, which I find harder and harder to believe whenever I look down at my blackening finger.
Lenore is too young to understand exactly what is happening to me and to her. She tells me that I am sick and should sleep as I have told her in the past. She is confused as to why we left home and left the goats that she adored, but she doesn't ask any questions. She never asks many questions nor does she talk much. Whenever I look at her I see a small child with thoughts far too great for her age, though she never shares those thoughts with me. Always her mind is at work as if she is trying to piece together the world without any assistance from anyone. She would have been a great Mondue.
She calls me father now as well. I used to only allow that to be when we were in public, but I gave up as I could see that it was confusing her. I told myself that we wouldn't get too attached, but that point is moot after this long.
I informed your mother that our marriage would end if I did not return in ten years. I didn't want her to spend her life waiting for me to return to her. It does not seem like that long of a time any more. I only have seven years left before my family is gone forever, but I will not abandon my post.
Lenore needs a new, safe home and I am the only protector that she has. We only have each other in these moments. I wish I could have brought you and your mother, and allowed Lenore to have a real family, but I could not place you in danger. You and your mother were safer with Pymus as your protector as he would never allow Aletta to move against you, though he knew he could not be strong enough to protect Lenore.
I wish there had been another way. I wish Aletta wasn't such a cold woman. Wishing has yet to solve any of my issues, and therefore I must continue to fight. Lenore is innocent, and doesn't deserve this. I know my wife and son are innocent too, but I have made a choice. Son, you may loathe me for it in the future, but I have done this to us all without hesitation.
---***---
My dearest boy,
Working as a hand on this farm was difficult initially. I am a soldier, a warrior, however the owners have been nothing but patient as I learned and even cared for Lenore. We have moved so far East that I feel comfortable with Lenore in the open. I couldn't explain to my employers why I was hiding Lenore as much as they are good people, the rewards for Lenore might prove too great for them. Though, I do not know if there is one or if the issue has been resolved.
I feared my contact with Lucius' network was the reason for the last assassin. I always felt that someone was using it and that information was not being given to just the King. Even if the men inside of it were meant to be shady they were not loyal. That is something a loyal man can know just by looking at another man.
I have been going out of my way to ensure that my journal remains hidden. Moving its placement daily as now that we do not live alone in the woods, I must remember that this book holds many truths that should never be revealed. I should burn it. I tell myself that everyday that this journal will be my downfall, but it is the only way that I feel I can speak to my son. Even if I am never able to send you these letters.
Lenore turned five years old today though I have lied to her about her real birthday. It is best that she believes she was born on another date so as to distance herself with the lost bastard child of Ronea.
Intelligent and brave as if she knows she was born to be a queen. She is only five years old and the other children her age on the farm are not her friends. She prefers the older children, though they do not want a small child following them about.
This gives her a great deal of time to be alone with her books. Every week when I go into town, I buy her a couple new books. Most of them are books that I do not even understand, but she swears to me that she comprehends the knowledge within the pages. It is strange as neither her mother nor father were this intelligent. They were smart as far as men and women go, but there is something about her that worries me.
She is still a rather silent person. Even now as I sit on my bed with the fire roaring nearby, she is laying on her own across the room from me. I can see her lips moving as she reads, but she never speaks the words out loud. She never talks to others about the knowledge she has learned from them, and she is always thinking. I still do not know what she thinks about, but I have an eery feeling whenever I find her sitting alone. She stares at a wall and just thinks about whatever is on her mind.
When I have asked her what she thinks about, she shrugs her shoulders and usually gives me no reply, but on rare occasion she answers, "Everything."
I decided she needed a hobby, therefore I crafted a bow and arrow for her. Anything to stop her from staring at walls, but she has mastered her little bow rather quickly. The cats in the area no longer work for their birds or lizards as Lenore has become their master hunter. She gives her prey over to them and then tells me about her hunting experience once my work is done.
I have been thinking of ways to call upon you and your mother to bring you here so that we can have a life together. Your mother always wanted a second child, a daughter mostly, and I wanted to give her one. However, any movement on your mother's part might spark Queen Aletta's interest. I would put Lenore in danger for my own selfishness as much as I wish to make her my true daughter. If you and your mother were here, this would be a wonderful family, but as it stands now, it's just an unwanted child and her lonely protector. I will not abandon her even when the pain in my heart grows unbearable. I swore an oath to the King and to this Princess as well, and I will never break it.
---***---
Santh, my son,
I sit near a campfire within a two days ride from home... from where you and your mother are sleeping now. Eight years I spent at Apisarn and it felt as if days had passed quickly, but being away from my family for the last six years had felt like an endless nightmare.
I dared to make myself known to my contacts a few months ago, and was informed by several trustworthy sources that Queen Aletta's wrath had been contained. I am not familiar with many of the details but with her son at this age and appearing in good health, she claims to no longer hold a grudge against Lenore and her mother.
Though I have learned that Lenore's mother married Giuseppe Vinson. The Queen arranged her into this marriage not long after I had left with Lenore, but my understanding is that Giuseppe Vinson preferred not to accept Lenore as his child and therefore Lenore was still seen as a threat. Only recently has the head of the Vinson clan changed his mind. For reasons, I do not know.
I fear for Lenore, more so now than I ever did before. When I approached the gates of the castle, Imogene was there to greet me with guards. She said nothing to say to me, and rightfully so, after all I had kidnapped her child for the past six years. Before I could introduce her to her daughter, Imogene yanked the little girl's arm and began to walk away with guards in tow.
I could hear the cruel words she spoke to Lenore. "That man is an evil man. He held you captive for years." Her words slowly vanished and I was left alone at the gates. They had made it clear enough that I was not welcomed inside.
The stories that Imogene must be telling Lenore right now are frightening to me. I raised that little girl to protect her from the Queen. Imogene must understand that in some manner, though I suppose she would rather I had taken her with me.
I worry that Imogene will fill her head with lies, and wonder if she will allow Lenore to keep the name I have bequeathed to her. There is nothing more that I can do for Lenore. She has become a Vinson and therefore no longer part of the Cromwell bloodline. She is safe from the Queen as was my duty, though I believe she should have been protected from the Vinsons as well. I do hope the anger and bitterness in Imogene's eyes was because of me and not because of the family she married into. I feel terrible that despite all my concern for Lenore, I can barely spend more than a few moments thinking about her due to my excitement of seeing you and your mother again.
Of course, that brings worries all it's own. You are eight years old now, and I have not seen you since you were two years old. Will you have anger towards me? Will you loathe me? I wonder if your mother will still love me after all this time. We were not married long before I had to disappear. Did she hold to our agreement and not attempt to end our marriage? Is she still waiting for me? Does she still love me?
I suppose those answers will be there for me in two days when I arrive. Pymus should have taken care of my family, and he promised that he would ensure that you wanted for nothing. Though, he knew that your mother would never allow herself to take his money, so he has remained a silent protector.
Soon, I will see my son and wife again, this is my utmost priority, but some of my excitement is the idea of seeing my friends again as well. I wonder how Pymus has fared. He had two sons before I left, I believe Remus was your age. Are you friends? I wonder.
My elation, fear, and curiosity refuse me any sleep, and more than likely I will have none until you and your mother are in my arms once more.
The crickets try to sing me to sleep, but it is no use. They will make themselves hoarse. I worry a great deal as I made my way back to Ronea. I worried if my contacts were compromised and I was leading Lenore to her death, and I worried that this wasn't a trap and all my fears of my family would be true.
I will know in two more days. Just two more and it will all come to an end, for better or for worse.
---***---
Dear boy,
I do not know whether to fear your reaction to my sudden reappearance in your life or praise my wife for the way that she has handled these six years of separation.
I found your mother in a small house just outside of town. She was cooking the late meal for just you and herself, and I was glad to know that she hadn't received word of my arrival home. I could see her through the window as she continually bumped against the chair behind her as the table was too large for the room.
Before I knocked, I looked for signs that another man might live there, even if she was only cooking enough for two. I decided that he might work late hours. I found nothing that would give me that illusion, and as I was about to make my way over to the door that lead into the kitchen, I turned and found an eight year old boy watching me.
He was quite tall and initially I believed him to be older than his true age. I was terrified to have been caught by someone doing something that most would frown upon without knowing that I was the husband. "Good day."
"Good day." He replied, "Why are you looking in my mother's windows?"
Those words made me smile, "Are you Santh, then?"
The young boy who seemed to have taken over as his mother's protector crossed his arms. "And you are?"
"Varden Aguilar." I still do not know why I didn't tell you that I was your father immediately. I believe it was because I was afraid to make such a bold statement after all this time, and I wanted to see if you knew my name.
The harshness on your face vanished and you turned to run for the door. Opening it you screamed for your mother. "He says he is father!" That was the only part of your words I could understand.
Ane was quick to step out on the dirty pathway and looked at me. I could see shock in her eyes, tears, anger, and relief. She slowly made her way to stand before me and smiled as she placed her hand on my cheek. "I can scarcely believe this moment, Varden."
I hugged her as tightly as I could as you watched without a word spoken. After a moment, we released each other and your mother turned to you. "Santh, this is your father. He has come home to us."
I expected you to be weary of me but you hugged me quickly, and while your mother finished the meal, we played in the small yard. You never asked me where I had been and three weeks later, there are still no questions. No that is not true, your only question to me had been. "Did you do well, father?"
I grew curious as to why you weren't full of questions and I asked your mother. She informed me that while I was gone, many of the other children would taunt you for the lack of a father. They would claim your mother was never married and that you were a bastard child. This made you angry and bitter towards me.
Ane had informed him that this was not the case. That though she didn't know where I had gone or what I was doing that I was protecting something important to the realm. That I might never come back, but that I had not abandoned you willingly however my task was vital to Ronea. She informed you that you must always hope that your father does well, so I may come home to you.
When you are older, I will tell you all the stories I have made in the past six years. However, I think your mother's words are right at this age. Finally, I am home with my family and none of my fears were true.
My son is not angry with me and my wife still loves me. I am at peace for the first time in six years, and I do hope it remains this way for the rest of our lives.
---***---
If ever there was anything I could teach you, son, it's not to let someone go when you know you are leaving them in dire circumstances that are beyond their own control. The memory of their sadness and knowing that they suffer will forever haunt your mind and heart.
Two years have passed since I brought Lenore home. The Queen allows her to visit for half the year and the other half she spends in the Vinson's estate. I hear that she lives in the stable with the horses and the stable boys, and as terrible as that is, I can not decided if her living at the castle is any better.
For a woman that didn't wish Lenore to live at all, it is odd to see her dress Lenore for balls and to show her off only to send her back to the servant's quarters when she is through. Of course, I do not think it is the Queen that wishes her here at all. I often catch glimpses of the King watching her as she plays, and his mother often speaks to the girl.
I have been informed by her Grace, the previous Queen, that she had spoken with Queen Aletta. She informed her that the people still loved her and that if she wished she could have the Queen removed permanently and though she would be dead, the country would still have it's Prince. Apparently, that conversation scared the Queen enough to end this hunt.
It is strange though. Sometimes, I see Queen Aletta brushing Lenore's hair and dressing her, and she hums a tune that I just know her mother must have hummed to her. It seems as if Queen Aletta is fighting against caring for this little girl, as if she doesn't want to love her though she already does.
I can do nothing for Lenore. She is confused when she sees me and does not understand why I do not speak to her any longer. She doesn't cry however or beg me to stay. She just watches me as I pretend not to see her, and then a blank look falls over her face. I know that look, it means she is processing this world all on her own.
She is not my daughter. She is not my daughter. Every time I come to the castle this is the chant I tell myself. I am unable to believe it. She was my daughter for six years of her life. I was there when she was born, when she had her first tooth, when she lost her first tooth, and the first time she walked. I patched up her scratched knee and then healed it with a kiss. There were so many things that I missed of you, my son, that I was able to have with her.
The time has come. I will not appear at the castle unless summoned for an urgent matter by the King himself. I need to spend as much time with my family as I can in order to prepare myself. The country is in civil war as the Romanus family attempts to over throw my king. Here in the capital there is peace, but I have been outside these walls and there is death and blood at every turn.
We are winning however. Romanus destroyed our spy network and had been using it for years. Queen Aletta informed us of the truth nearly a year ago that she had used Romanus to find Lenore through my letters.
Romanus' followers have been fighting for two years now, it seems it started the moment that I returned with Lenore in arms. It was only in the last year that this fell into an all out war. He calls Lucius weak and demands that the Cromwell family reign end with him.
I am curious as to why this occurred around Lenore's return, though it may just be mere coincidence or it could be that there is another being in the country that has claim to the throne. Romanus is a family man. I have heard that he cares for his wife and daughter a great deal. In fact, Xyles has offered on several occasions the idea that killing them would end his attacks.
I have refused to allow this to happen. An innocent woman and child should not be murdered for our own gain. We must go directly after him. We must end this through the one that started this.
His numbers grow but their days are numbered.
There is a pain in my heart that tells me that I have only just returned to my family and they will lose me again under more permanent circumstances. This is why I must concentrate on you and your mother now, and ignore the child that is not mine. You two need to know how much I adore you, in case the worst were to happen.
---***---
No more than a couple weeks after I decided that I would not return to the castle for any reason other than urgent matters; an urgent matter arrived. I rode to the capital within a few days and found my way to the King's study. He was sitting behind his desk and looked rather tired. This war was slowly destroying him.
I never said these words to my king and I never will, but of all the people that I thought would find some form of happiness I always thought it would be Lucius. He had been arrogant and cruel towards women and perhaps that is why he was given a wife such as the one he has now. I know that the kings of old would have slain their wives, but Lucius could never be the kind of man to do such a thing to his son's mother. Though, sometimes, I wonder what would happen if the two set aside their anger and hate for each other. There are times when I can see the Queen staring proudly at her husband over a speech he gave, or the glances that Lucius will give her during a ball when she is dressed elegantly.
Had these two met in different circumstances, I imagine they could have easily gotten along. However, Lucius only sees the woman that wanted to kill his daughter when he looks at her, and I do not know what Queen Aletta sees when she looks at him as I do not speak to her often.
My poor friends. Pymus' wife abandoned him and his children, and Lucius can barely stand to look at his wife without being reminded of the past. I suppose at that moment that I was lucky to have your mother. I remember these thoughts clearly, son. I was thinking them still through my conversation with the King, and thinking them directly when they ended.
"Varden, sit." Lucius commanded and pointed to the chair in front of his desk. The study smelt of the fire burning and the incense that he had burning on the mantle. The room was dark except for the few candles and the fireplace, therefore shadows were being cast in every direction as the flames flickered.
I sat down and waited for Lucius to finish writing a letter. Folding my hands, I stared at my now serious friend. He used to laugh and make merry, but he always looks one step away from giving the order to slaughter the entire country. In truth, if Romanus has his way much more that may be the only option. Of course, Lucius will just rule ashes then.
"I have spoken with the other nobility. They agreed that you have played a great role in this rebellion thus far, and that after the war is over we will discuss in further details, the lands and title that they wish to bestow upon you." Lucius said this as if he wanted to get everything out as quickly as possible, not because he was nervous but because he was too busy for pleasantries anymore.
"I am pleased to hear this, but couldn't this have been sent in a letter?"
He shook his head, "I must assume that anything written down and not being carried throughout the castle by my most trusted servants will be compromised. Now, listen well, I believe the nobles think you are our best possible solution to Romanus' revolt. I need you to prove this in order to give me the arguing ability. There are many who would not want you in our ranks, understood?"
I nodded. "I understand."
"Good, now. Once your family is given title and lands, I believe it would be prudent to engage Santh and Lenore. It will ensure your family's footings in the Royal House since Lenore will be a member of your family. Do you agree?"
I did not know how to tell my friend that getting my daughter back would be the greatest of all the gifts he just gave me, but I merely nodded. I was far too excited to speak.
A knock came to the door and Lucius yelled at him to come in. The boy entered with a letter and handed it to the King before leaving quickly. Opening the letter, Lucius read it and then looked up at me with what I thought was fear in his eyes.
"Varden..." His voice shook. "Ane has died."
---***---
Santh, my son, I have made a decision that I fear only you will have to live to deal with it's damages. Two years ago, I discovered that your mother had died while I was away at the castle. Since then I have done everything within my power to bring this war to an end. That included spending not nearly enough time with you, boy.
You are already twelve years old and I have missed half of your life already, and I have made a decision that may mean I will miss the rest of it as well. I lied to you. Your mother did not become ill and suddenly die. Pymus had caught wind of Romanus activities within the city walls, and warned her. Instead, of going with you to the safety of your Aunt's home, she stayed. A Romanus assassin took her life in order to harm me.
I suppose if you are reading this then my latest decision has brought my finale. I have worked relentlessly to put an end to Romanus and his rebellion. I am the general of the King's army and I will gain the title and lands for you. I may not be able to give them to your mother, but the world will be damned if I can not give you more than I had as a child.
The last battle is upon us. Romanus is all but a prisoner in his own fortress. Tomorrow, I will enter the castle and bring justice to him. It will also be vengeance for your mother, whom I did not get to hold nearly long enough.
Lucius' voice still rings in my ears. "Varden, I forbid you to do this. We have all but won the war. This will be the last battle and that traitor will die. Do not throw away your life for this. You are a general, you do not fight on the front lines. What of your son?"
He was yelling at me and tried to sound angry, but his voice shook and I knew my friend was concerned for me. Over and over he reminded me of you, but I have to end Romanus' life myself. It has to be me, and it can not be as simple as beheading him after he was captured. I will not torture him and I will not take his surrender. He will fight me, and he will die.
I do not know if I will return to you, son. These may be the last words that I ever write in this journal. I have written so many over the years. Your mother used to tease me about writing down so many of the important days of my life, but eventually she read passages that involved her. She, of course, loved being able to see my thoughts of her. I hope that I will write many more entries and you will not read these journals until you are a grown man and can understand my decisions... my haste in my youth... and my poor judgment now.
Damn, Lucius. He kept telling me that I would leave my son an orphan, and that was the greatest truth he had ever spoken. Even though he forbid me, I told him that this was something I must do. I hope you understand. A man must fight for the woman that he loves, even if that woman is long since buried. I can not allow Romanus to escape or surrender. His life was forfeit the moment he took your mother from you, and my wife from me.
Lucius seemed to understand though he still demanded that I not go. He didn't try to stop me, however. He could have ordered me to be held in a cell but he just let me walk away. I like to think that he understood as well, but I believe my friend was allowing me to make the wrong decision because that's what friendship is at times. Allowing your friends to fall and then offering them a hand to get back up.
I know he will take care of you if I do not survive tomorrow's battle, as will Pymus. Be a good boy, Santh. Be respectful to my friends, as they love you as if you are their own son, just as I love their children. Even Aletta's spoiled little prince, Lesatan. Sometimes, when no one is looking he comforts his sister when his mother has been too harsh. I think there is a good child in there, but his mother tries to hide what she considers weakness in him from the world.
I am rambling now, probably because I am terrified of what will come tomorrow. I have a gut instinct that I will not outlive the day, and it worries me because I worry for you. Damn, I am a selfish man, aren't I, boy? I am sorry, but I have to be the one to end this man. I'm sorry, Santh. I love you with all my heart. Grow up to be a good man. Be better than me. Don't let pride or anger stand in your way of happiness. I hope I get to hold you again.
---***---
Santh sat under the canopy in his bed with his father's journal in his lap. It was the first time that he had learned of his mother's death, at least how she had truly died. Somehow, it did not surprise him as if he had always known something more than a sickness had taken his mother away from him.
Looking into the dirt court, he watched as the others completed their plans for the building of the dorms tomorrow. He smiled to himself as a small weight was lifted from his heart. He was glad to have read all of his father's journals. Lenore had stopped bringing them to him, and he had been forced to retrieve the last one from Pymus, himself.
Ophelia would be heartbroken to learn that his mother was killed by her father as well, so he decided that she would not be told. Lenore's father had nothing to do with his father's death. He had been angry at the king for so long that he forgot that he had never learned the truth behind the battle. He had not allowed himself to have the one thing he truly wanted for hatred within him was too strong.
As Santh was about to close the journal and stand up, he noticed there was more writing on the next page. He opened it to find the bold handwriting was written with purpose and was not his father's, there was another page as well with a third handwriting that was smooth and delicate.
The bold writing was from King Lucius.
I will never forgive you for dying, Varden. You were the only person that I truly trusted, and now I have no one. I will keep watch over your son, but the title and lands I wanted to bestow upon him were denied by his aunt. I will offer them to him when he is older and can understand. I miss my friend. I miss knowing that even if you aren't here that you are out there, and my trusted friend will one day return. I have so few people in my life, and none are trustworthy. You didn't just take a father away from your son, but you left a king without a friend in the world. You are a selfish man just as you have said. Goodbye, my friend.
Santh took a deep breath after reading that, and then began to read the delicate handwriting that he knew to be Pymus'.
So, you two knew all along that I was the Fox, did you? You dirty bastards! Ah, I guess I can not be angry at a dead man. You are a very bad man, Varden. Now that Santh has moved to another city, I must once again pack up the Merchant's Guild head quarters so that I can watch over him. This is the third damn time that I have moved for you, but I suppose the first time was my choice so I could be near at least one friend. However, the last two were to watch your son while you are gone!
You are gone. It almost feels like you will come back someday, but you won't, will you? I watched them burn your body on the pyre. I watched you disappear into smoke and ash. I couldn't walk away until it was completed.
I'll watch Santh, don't you worry none about him. Remus is his age, and I am certain they will get along rather well... though they don't know it yet. The two are somewhat like oil and vinegar, but mixed properly the combination can be delicious.
Ah, you bastard. How could you let Romanus have such a fatal blow. You died before he did, but know that your attacks had ended his life long before he was taken into custody. Lucius finished him without any assistance from the guards. You would have been very proud, Varden.
I am angry with you as well, but I understand though I wish you would have been smarter about the way that you attacked the fortress. It was complete chaos all created so you could get near Romanus, and for that I will never forgive you. I love you, my friend, but I am going to hate you for some time. I hope you do not mind.
Another deep exhale and Santh fought back the tears in his eyes. Pymus had always been watching over him, and Lucius was not the monster he had thought he was. He felt like an idiot, but an idiot with a lightened heart. His eyes moved back over to Lenore who was speaking to Remus about the building effort and he grinned to himself.
"What are you smiling about?" Ophelia smiled as she walked by him without giving him time for an answer.
"You'll know soon enough." He mumbled to himself before standing up and heading toward the stream to wash his face.